InsaneJournal for Sar.

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Monday, February 9th, 2004

Subject:New Journal...
Time:7:10 am.
Mood: sick.

I knew it would happen sooner or later..I gotta livejournal..


Go there, or be square..

Comments: Break My Heart.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Time:6:17 pm.
Mood: pissed off.

I try to be nice, and what do I get? SHIT! All I get is SHIT. Man, i'm just gonna stop being nice.


Today was really crappy, as usual.

I like my gym class just fine, only the people don't like me. But I can live with that. Only 6 months more of me dealing with the same horrible classes...and i'm out.

School is pretty bad as well. I don't get what we're doing in science for shit! So I go up and Mr. Records exsplains it in a lanuage I can understand, and I think to myself, "Oh thats EASY" then I try one on my own and I'm back to being a confused fuckhead. Its pretty usless.

Lunch is bad as well. If I had 2nd lunch 3 times a week instead of 2, then I'd be fine. But no, I have 3rd lunch 3 times week, so i'm stuck with people who treat me like shit. I'm honestly sick of it. Why can't they just tell me to my face they don't like me, because this 'hint' shit is just a reason to piss me off. And i'm not moving anytime soon with that attitude. Plus, WHERE would I go anyways? Why can't people just shut the fuck up and deal, because if they keep on bitching its only going to get worse.

Ok..I'm just gonna shut up now because anyone reading this is probally really getting sick of hearing about my life. I sure am sick of writting about it.


Comments: 2 Broken Heartss - Break My Heart.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

Subject:Another long day
Time:7:01 pm.
Mood: bitchy.

Today was alright...

Today I acually did my homework EARLY. Only because my daddy will be around and I want to be with him, not doing my shitty homework.

Andrew isn't calling me ever again. THANK GOD. I would have been more understanding of him if he was a little less selfish! I mean, do you want a "friend" who will hate you just because you have a life with people OTHER then him? NOT ME.

Patti is really harshing my mellow. Shes getting my room painted, which is fine, but she won't let me choose what I want MY room to be. "It has to be blue" WELL I'M SORRY BITCH MOM, I WANT MY ROOM TO BE THE COLOR OF MY CHOICE, SENSE ITS KINDA MY ROOM.


Ok well thats enough for today..


Comments: Break My Heart.

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: loved.

I had a pretty shitnessessess...ish day. I'm at ends about my 'bday party' because patty [opps, i mean PATTI] will be around. I mean, I could say "mom go to bevs" or "mom go shopping" BUT HONESTLY? WTF am i suppose to do with her? She'll be like all mother henish. I've never given her a reason to not trust me [?] so, then again why should she? But if not what do i do with her? Let her join in the fun? Hand her some vodca while she hands me some crack?

Oh well. :-/


Comments: Break My Heart.

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

Time:11:03 am.
Mood: hopeful.
Music:Dashboard Confessional - Forgot the name.

Forget that last entry man o man.



I went over Michelles [Shelly as I call her] and her Aunt is very rich and has a very nice, yet expensive house. [I'm not very use to mansion like houses, but its a VERY nice house.] Shelly has the SWEETEST ever dog, and her sister Heather, has a cat [i didn't meet him that much] but, Maggy [Shell's kitty whos a pest, but a VERY big sweetie] was all cute, but I think I scared him and he ran away [oppps!] Anywho, I had soo much fun!

But YEAH..I have HEALTH! Its acually [wow this is hard to say!] fun! Mr. L is sooooo sweet, and he [this is kinda weirdish if you don't know my uncle] reminds me of my uncle John.


Yeah..this is just a wittle bitty updaty-o!


Comments: Break My Heart.

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Time:8:40 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:Dashboard Confessional - Easy as lovers go [w/e i knda 4got].

Wow..that title is soo untrue, lol! But..honestly.. in the "emotional" sense, I am. [i'm less retarded] but its also..idk..just "hard" because..IDK...but oh well..this is so confusing..:-/


Today was so blah. . .

Like..earlier today I was all depressed and crying at every little fucking thing [fucked up hormones] but... then I slept and it was all good. :-)

 I'm really HATING AO Hell! So..TOMARROW [PattI and I have a pact!] we're getting Comcast High Speed! Change is good, sometimes! is tomarrow and its gonna suck/be fun. Idk, honestly ... like I'm gonna miss the whole get out early and chill with friendys but..oh well. :-/. I NEED to do better on my midterms/finals. REALLY! I totally bombed this time!



Comments: Break My Heart.

Subject:fun fun fun
Time:9:32 am.
Mood: chipper.

SNOW DAYS KICK! Oh ya! [Greatnessessess-ish..ness, Bryan!!! LOFL!]

I wanted to walk up to Shelly's [aka Michelle hehe] and I knock on her door but 1. its snowish and too cold and 2. i don't have her number so i'd feel so short notice..and i hate short notice ya know.

Anywho...I had a fun fun fun time yesterday at the school. I know, your all like "wtf, fun, school? SAME SENTENCE?" and honestly..if it weren't for yatzee [wtf sp anyone?] i would have been home sleeping all friggin day. But..instead me and shelly just hung out and walked/talked and like..1245 showed the 8th graders around. Wow. Some of them have really..uh..changed. hmm w/e. Yeah. It was so great because me and Shell were all laughing at shit the teachers were saying to the kids. hehe. And this senior I didn't catch his name lol, he was deffinitly sweet tho, and no i don't  have a crush, hehe.


Ok..nothing more to really say. . .




Comments: Break My Heart.

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Subject:On Amy's.
Time:2:11 pm.
Mood: okay.
Music:spice girls - "spice up your life''.

Ok. I had a real messed up day. NO I WASN'T FUCKNG HIGH. But I switched moods like a friggin..I don't know what.

Ok. I'm not even gonna start with my day because everyone will run down my back but yeah. [I realize what the hell I did so no need to say anything because I fucked up and I COMPLETLY know that. Just..fucking..believe me because i'm DEFFINITLY knowingish. I'm not gonna like..pretending it didn't happen either..but..oh well not making sense again, but i'm not gonna sweat.] 

Anywho...I was just [like sec ago] chillin w/ Amy and we were all like singing corny fucking old ass pop songs. WTF AMY! Yeah, OLD SCHOOL KICKS! Ass! Oh haha girly good good times.

Fucking I forgot to update about my great weekend [it was fucking the AWSOMIST weekend in awhile..seriously i needed it and I love everyone that made it sweet even if some of them maybe temperaly/whatever mad at me because of my stupidness but w/e i'm not gonna sweat[thanks amy, sam, court,and yeah lol]] but oh well because i'm just to lazy to type all the great fun, at least I had with Amy Fri, and Court and Sam on Sat night.

Lol..Amys talking to her friendy and I don't know wtf he said but she was all like "Fuck me, come on come on" and I was all like from this room to the room shes in "Yeah man I'd fuck that bitch any day" Yeah, not that funny i'll admit,but just the time was just right. The kinda thing u had to just be there to understand. up because I got absulutly MO [fucking that reminded me of mini mo but w/e lol] sleep last night which DEFINITLY fucked me over today. At least..test wise. . . [d's for mids in both human relations AND FUCKING SCIENCE]

Yea..i've typed alotta shiz so..[omg ami just put on spice GIRLs ahhh lol MEMORIES!]


Comments: Break My Heart.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Subject:Don't read me
Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: depressed.

Everything that was good, or was going to be good, has just come crashing down. And all in one night.

I was talking to Andrew tonight, and we were talking and I was just saying how stressed I was from Midterms and other shit, and he was just being the sweetie he is and agreeing and saying how he understood. Then all of a sudden he asked me "Why did you ask that question last night about if 'i ever loose you'? Are you w/ some other guy?'' And he said it as if it was just a question making sure that there was nothing going on, that he didn't really believe that anything was going on. But the truth is there is. I'm so fucked up. SO what! I like some one else. WHO CARES? Andrew obviously. Me. Obviously. So anyways, for the last 3 or so weeks i've started to like Matt Kastel. And its not like I like him, and he never talks to me, because we talk all the time in Math. So, in the past 3 weeks, while loving Andrew, ive like Matt, and its progressed more and more each day, and today just seemed like the most important day in the progressing of me liking him. So I had to tell Andrew the truth. I felt it coming on and blurted out "I'm so sorry Andrew. I'm so sorry. I feel so horrible and guilty" And I said this without really realizing I said it, until after. His reation was of disbelief "Oh, really? [[like it was no big deal but i could here the tears welling in him]] thats ok, but why?'' And I just told him the reason. I think that compared to Andrew, I really do have more of a chance in Matt. Mostly because I don't think Matt is that fucked up, and beause I can acually see Matt. Don't forget, I've never acually met Andrew before.

Oh, and thats not the worst of it. This weekend was supposed to be the weekend i'd finally see Andrew. [in the hosp of course, even though i have no idea in how the hell i'd pull it off] So he was really happy for the first time in so long. I could here his disapointment and depression lurking in his every word progressing and progressing, until he finally hung up on me. So yeah, after i told him I just kept apologizing saying how sorry I was, that I just couldn't control it, and how we could see each other as just friends. [wtf did i say that for, god have i no heart?!] Then he and I talked about it a little bit, and I was just exspaining how guiltly and horrible I felt[i wasn't lying i still feel like shit, i'm done crying though] and he just suddenly said "I think I have to go" And in that last statement, I definitly heard him starting to cry, because I've heard him cry once before.

OMG. Why did I have to even say anything? I mean, I guess I can't change it now, but when I think about it, I can see why he hung up so abruptly. [ oh and i forgot to mention that the staff at the hosp are moving him to another residentional type place for no partiular reason and he was feeling pretty shitty but since I was there he was happy. it just prooves I was everything to him. And i don't mean to sound so great, but I really was all he had other then his physco friends, he even said, w/out u i'd be dead right now ect...]

SO yeah. this crush on probally jsut a small fucking thing. i made it sound so much more then that. but i really did feel like it was very meaningful.

So great. I've fucked up another relationship. I've broken 3 hearts already. I'm giving up on this. Its not worth it. I mean, Andrew could be trying to kill himself on a count of me right now. Its all my fault. Anything that has to do w/ breaking up is my fault. i'm just gonna stop loving guys. then, i can stop hurting them.

This isn't the rise of my problems either! tomarrow I have chorus midterms and I havent touched my study guide sheet. I'm too pissed/ depressed/ tearyeyed/stressed to even think about school right now. thank goodness i only have chorus and math midterms, because they aren't that important in terms of collage shit.[math i know like the back of my ass]

So yeah. if you've read this, congrats. it took me like 2 hours.


Comments: Break My Heart.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Time:9:29 pm.
Mood: bitchy.

These midterms are starting to harsh my mellow. I'm not flipping out or anything, i'm just studying my brains out. I literally have all the facts in my head, and its all like sing songy.

I don't know what i'm doing tomarrow, i'm probally having Kristy over, which I don't want to do mostly because no one likes her and if I want someone else over I can't because no wants to be the fuck around her. I feel bad for her, because she doesn't conduct herself as this big annoying fuck, usually, only once in a while, and people usually can't see beyond her height. I am glad though, that I can see beyond this difference.


My kitty is sitting next to me all calm, which is like the first time in a kabillion years...

That was a tad random and offtopic but oh well.

I told my mom I was sorry for being a little bitchy and she said "well i'm glad your able to admit it." I was in awe because thats like the first time she was ever so blunt. Fucking Patt-I.


Comments: Break My Heart.

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

Subject:Reply to Courtneys Comment
Time:10:34 pm.
Mood: pleased.

Ok, since my reply thingy won't work, here I am. This is for your Courtney. So, you better be fucking reading it. :-)

Ok, well, I know that I portray Andrew like hes some fucked freak. And, I mean, he has issues, like we all do, but hes not totally far gone yet. He knows where he is, and who he is. And most of all he understands. And thats what I want most of all in a guy. He understands pain. Hes been to hell and back, and back again and again. [Hes not a Bella either. Hes not a faker.]

The truth is Andrew is in a mental hospital. And when say that, I don't mean, strapped -to -the -bed -locked- in -a- small -room-mental hospital. I mean with people who have the same issues, who are in the same state, and who are learning to live 'normal'. [Because then again, whos really normal anyway?]

To answer your question Court, I don't know why I love him, only that I do. I've acually tried to break away from him. I've tried to fall in love with someone easier to see and someone whos less troubled. But I can't. When I think of him, I think of me, being with him. Thats all I want.

I know that this won't be easy, to be with him and all. When I reflected on Courts comment, I can see why shes like "Wtf, hes pysco, why do you even want someone who doesn't know whats going...ect" [that isn't what she said exactly but to lazy to quote her]

Yeah, so I'm hoping this will answer all your questions, Court. [And anyone else who wanted to know why I love him]


Comments: 1 Broken Hearts - Break My Heart.

Time:9:29 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:bushs speech on tv downstairs.

Ah. One evil word. Midterms. Yes. They were coming. Now they are here.

Spanish is evil. Miss Kinkella is evil. Her study guide is a fucking book. I'm am lucky though. I have her test on the last day! :-) Poor Sam. She has Spanish first. Damn. Thats gotta suck.

Anywho. . .

I'm debating whether I should start studying tonight. Its quarter to 10 and I had an extra cup of coffee so I think I will. I have English and World History on Thursday, and I rather not cram tomar so better get studying. 



Comments: Break My Heart.

Monday, January 19th, 2004

Subject:what da fuck
Time:9:21 pm.
Mood: thirsty.

Dude. WTF. I haven't been able to update my journal in a million billion years.

I had no freedom this weekend whatsoever. I was at dads, what do I expect?

Yes, so pretty boring weekend.

I talked to Andrew everyday this weekend, 5 times a day. Poor kid, hasn't seen the light of day in like a month.

I want to repaint my room. Instead of light blue, I think i'll do a darker blue. I don't want to go another color because everything in my room matches to blue, and changing colors completly would fuck up my whole color scheme. [Which I think will be blue, and pink]



Comments: 1 Broken Hearts - Break My Heart.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Subject:Giving up on hope...
Time:9:05 pm.
Mood: tired.

I'm so not in the fucking mood for school latly. I'm really like acually *gasp* praying for a snow day. Even a shitty delay will do.

I talked to Joe today. . . and he thinks i'm "perfect". WTF. I'm so the oppisite. I'm so fucked up I could be in a mental hospital if I really wanted to. But..I don't. Deffinitly NOT.

I did my span span project. It came out shitty. Like fucking scum on the bottom of my shoe. Yeah. That bad.

I took some play boy pics of me today. NOT FOR YOU! They are for Andrew. God I love him. I hate love. You can't control it, and it comes in the most inconvient times. Times, when I can't ever acually see the person i'm in love w/ so it tears you apart. Fucking love.


Comments: Break My Heart.

Monday, January 12th, 2004

Subject:ichy as hell
Time:9:15 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.

WTF is wrong w/ me?! I have this fucked up rash all over my arms and legs. Its so fucking ichy and its pissing me off. I'm seriously about to slit my throat, anything to stop the ichyness. Its driving me crazy. Not only that though. My fucking ears. The pain in my ears is just unreal.

I'll leave the pity party now.

God. I'm so tired of it all. I have to do my ENTIRED spanish project tomarrow. The whole fucking deal. I have to start. Seriously. Oh well i'm good under pressure.

Anywho. i'm out..



Comments: Break My Heart.

Sunday, January 11th, 2004 ears
Time:10:13 pm.
Mood: bitchy.

Amy and Bethany muitilated my ears. I got my 2nd and third piercing yesterday. Hope they don't get infected.

Today I went to the hospital. Still haven't seem Grandpa yet. Not planning on it till he gets wayy better. I'm not going to go through w/ seeing him half dead.

Anyways, I need a shower. So..



Comments: Break My Heart.

Friday, January 9th, 2004

Subject:@ Amy's
Time:7:39 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:Linkin Park - Number 03.

I'm @ Amy's House. Totally AWSOME. WOota!

Yeah, so today was alright, my dad dropped me off at school, and I told him NOT to beep the horn, but he went along and fucking did it anyways, so oh well. But, on the way, this fuck was going wicked slow so my dad PASSED him on a NO PASSING zone, beeped him, and gave him the high sign. I was like WTF DAD!

Anyways, on other news...

Ok, there is no other news, so later!



Comments: Break My Heart.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Subject:From the way that you acted to the way I felt it...It wasn't worth my time
Time:9:35 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
Music:Taste of Ink - The Used.

Today was really really boring.

I was late in spanish and since it was my 2nd time, I got a fucking detention. Goddamnit! Oh well, Keith, my neighbi will be w/ me so I won't be so alone.

Andrew called me from the pysco place and I was helping mammy put the headboard up stairs, and the fucker couldn't wait 30 seconds so he said he'd call me back, and guess what, *suprise* he didn't. I know it doesn't sound like a huge deal, and it isn't, its just when I asked him to hold on he was all pissy, and I mean, couldn't he just fucking WAIT? I really needed to talk to him to. Oh well.

Then after school daddy paid me a visit, and *gasp* I fell asleep from 4:30-6:30 when mammy got home the hospital. God, I sleep WAY to much.

Yeah, so that was my boring ass little day.



Comments: Break My Heart.

Monday, January 5th, 2004

Subject:Back in hell
Time:8:10 pm.
Mood: okay.

Ugh. I'm back. To the hellish world of highschool. bah.........

We got so much hw too. At least there were no suprise quizes or anything...that'd just be plain evil.

Kristy wants to dye her fucking blonde hair BLACK! WTF! You can't be Cristina Aguleira if you fucking tryed. And no, not even Cristina Mini sized. Fucking Fetus!

Anywho..that was my blahness day. I wanna go over amy's tomar after schooly but FUCKING DAD wants to get me AGAIN and shit so wtf ever.




Comments: Break My Heart.

Sunday, January 4th, 2004

Subject:Finally Home
Time:9:47 pm.
Mood: lazy.

Schools tomar. What a disapointment. I mean, my vacation sucked anyway because I was just fucking around at home the whole time, but still at least you get to rest. And midterms. Which are in like 2 weeks. Fucking A.

This week is gonna be hard to get use to. Being at school again and all. Damn. Just when I started relaxing and having SOME fun, it has to be ruined.

I guess I'll sit and wait for Andrew to call. Poor kid. In a mental hospital AGAIN. He should just take a hint, and stop killing himself. Its just not working.

I went to Karls on Sat. Greggy is soo adorable. Anyways, we went to his attic and he cleaned it out and theres TV and shit up there, its fucking awsome.  You can see the whole city of New London from the attic window. But, of course Karl had these bongs he pretended to use. What a retard, does he really think he can impress me with weed? [By the way Court and Sam, Karl asked about yas, he missed you!!]



Comments: 1 Broken Hearts - Break My Heart.

InsaneJournal for Sar.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.